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    Snow Ball Delivery??

    Posted by Richard on Thursday, January 11, 2007 @ 08:55 PM  
    Attention Internet Shipping Dept:
      Your internet Snow ball special which you advertised some time ago has finally arrived.  Thank you So MUCH!  When you missed the Christmas delivery date I was very disappointed but now that they have finally arrived I see you not only threw in the extra dozen but you supersized the order as well.  How thoughtful of you.  Now I hate to complain but in the 4-5 inches of bulk snow packing you sent, where do I find the actual snowballs hidden?  It's quite confusing and I just don't know where to look.  I wish you had made the packing snow a different color. Our granddaughter did find one that was very special and wanted to take it to bed, so she put it on her pillow, but when she woke up it had run away. Apparently it also wet the bed.  You didn't mention in your ad they would not be potty trained!  After considering all of the above I have decided to return all of the snow balls and packing material at your expense as advertised in the 30 day free trial offer.  Please send the UPS truck as soon as possible.  Perhaps we may try again next Christmas.

    Yours Truly,


    1
    Reply by Heatherdawn on January 12, 2007 @ 07:29 AM
    Some people are just impossible to please...

    2
    Reply by Dave on January 12, 2007 @ 12:21 PM
    (A reply to comment #1)
    Please include the 30% restocking fee.

    3
    Reply by Grateful on January 13, 2007 @ 10:35 AM
    Thank you for your letter.  Let me see if I can address your concerns.  Firstly, you may return your snow ball shipment only if all original packing is in order, and if you return the full shipment, undamaged and complete.  You must also accurately guess the return address. It  seems that you may have already partially used your order, and if so, I regret to inform you that we cannot accept your return.  Any damages incurred by this product, outside acnowledged normal use of said product, are not our responsibility.  We will however be including a warning sticker to put on future snowballs that will read "WARNING!  May Pee on Pillows."  I hope that this answers your questions.  Should you have need of further information, and you can find me, I would be happy to provide another unhelpful, and completely frustrating response.  Good Luck!

    4
    Reply by Richard on January 13, 2007 @ 03:22 PM
    (A reply to comment #3)
    Dear Snow Balls Anonymous,
       Thank you for your letter.  It truly was completly unhelpful and frustrating. Your goal was a great success.  Pehaps you did not understand that I have all packaging and all but the one ill mannered snow ball.  These were supposed to be domesticated snowballs not the wild variety.  There was no reason to expect it to run away or not be potty trained.  That was your responsibility.  I see no reason why I should be expected to replace a snow ball which has acted in such an unruly manner.  At this time I am demanding a full and complete refund with out restocking charges I might add.  You seem to completely overlook the damages I have suffered as well as the emotional pain and suffering of a small child.   Who will replace my pillowcase and pillow?  Who will clean up the mess?  What is the value of the love of a Grandchild whose heart has been broken into ity bitty pieces?  If I don't have a complete and full refund on my desk today I will be packing up more snow than you can imagine, loading it on a B-1 bomber and will personally deliver your final snow ball myself!  I'm hoping we can resolve this matter amicably. Please  feel free to call my office anytime at 1-800-bite-me for the following message:

     "Thank you your call was very important to us.  Your approximate wait time is infinity and beyond but rest assured we are busy with more important people and can only afford to have our east Indian janitor answer the phone.  If you can't understand a word he is saying please call back next week when the wait time will only be slightly longer or please call after hours so we can run you thru an infinite menue of options which will lead you to the final menue.  Rest assured we will answer this call in the order it was received.  "We are now closed at this time thank you for calling" CLICK!!

    5
    Reply by Dave on January 13, 2007 @ 03:34 PM
    (A reply to comment #4)

    My, my.  It would seem some of us have had less than satisfactory experiences with corporate America.  From the near perfect wording, I can only assume you used Hewlett-Packard for your model.

    Dave


    6
    Reply by Dave on January 13, 2007 @ 03:50 PM

    Dear Mr. Todnem:

    Thank you for your letter.  Please be assured that we at the Consumer Products Safety Commission take your complaints very seriously.  It is only through alerts from conscientious consumers like yourself that such egregious dangers are exposed.  Through your courageous actions, millions of children may be spared such trauma.  The snowball industry has long been on our radar as one of the most serious offenders, but without specific cases like yours, our platoon of attorneys had to concentrate on other offenders, like step ladders without warnings not to fall off.

    We will be pursuing this matter at top speed, and in less than five years we expect to levy millions of dollars in fines and require all snowballs to come with warning stickers concerning the possibility of unexpected melting.  In addition, we feel mandatory safety equipment shall be required, lest small fingers get cold from exposure to the dangerous cold inherent in this product.  You will be contacted at the time of the senate hearings, and will have the opportunity to testify.  Again, thank you for bringing this most urgent matter to our attention.

    Yours truly,

    J. J. Boose

    Consumer Affairs Liason


    7
    Reply by Richard on January 13, 2007 @ 11:26 PM
    (A reply to comment #6)
    Dear JJ,
       I am so relieved that I have  found a truly caring person who can relate to the unspeakable trauma we have been put through.  Unfortunately  since the opportunity to put a full refund on my desk today at 5pm. has past I am left with no recourse but the B-1.  It is loading as we speak.  Satellite coordinates have been verified and we are moving with great speed and anticipation.  I promise you Shock & Awe that these snowball boneheads have never seen.  You won't have to worry about any further problems from Snow Balls AA.  When that B-1 cuts loose SBAA will be a new Crater Lake or a rebuilt Mt St.Helens I'm not sure which.  in any case that should be a great help in reducing your overwhelming work load.  You may even be having your preliminary hearings in less than 5 years.  I might also suggest a class action law suit on behalf of the Global Freezing Commission.  It seems very apparent that this could easily turn into the Ice Age if something isn't done.  Again my thanks and keep up the good work on those ladder stickers.
    Your friend,
    Gunnar Crunchcogs

    PS.  Just a suggestion, but a warning sticker on McDonalds french fries seems in order. Something to the effect of :  WARNING CHEWING REQUIRED  CHOKING MAY RESULT IF YOU IGNORE THIS STICKER.  NOT TO BE EATEN BY FAT PEOPLE WITHOUT TEETH OR WHO HAVE A POTATO ALLERGY.  POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECT ARE TOO NUMEROUS TO MENTION.  IF YOU SUSPECT ANY POSSIBLE PROBLEM RELATED OR NOT PLEASE MOVE AS RAPIDLY AS POSSIBLE TO THE NEAREST CLASS ACTION ATTORNEY FOR A FREE CONSULTATION.

    8
    Reply by Grateful on January 14, 2007 @ 05:22 PM
    (A reply to comment #4)
    Dear Under Valued Client,

    I see that you have serious issues, and that you may be in need of qualified assistance by someone with lots of initials behind their name.   Someone like Ms. Guided Fulacrap DUD.

    I have reviewed your file, and in looking over the information you have provided, I have to question your qualifications for using our product.  It seems that you have mislead our company about your usage intentions, and the size of your brain, when you placed your order with us. 

    I see that I need to remind you that by placing your order with our company that you accepted the terms of sale.   See the following excerpt from our Customer Information section:

         "By clicking the "Accept" button below you are agreeing to the terms of this sale.  Please read these carefully before continuing forward with this transaction.

    1.  Once we have received payment, no matter what fine print you read, the sale is final, and no refund, whatsoever will be offered.  Ever.
    2.  If you are not one hundred percent pleased with our product, don't bother to contact us, as we have no intention of resolving your stupid issues.
    3.  Should you have any questions, try God...we understand that he is always listening, so we don't bother.
    4.  If you find yourself frustrated, irritated, and at the end of your rope with our company, take one snowball, and stick it in your (pick one body part) and wait five minutes.  This should assist you in refocusing your energies on what is REALLY important."
    I  want to tell you to quit wasting your time in trying to resolve this problem.  We are currently buried in snowball products, and are freezing our butts off.  Finding sympathy for one soggy pillow is simply not going to be possible at this time.  Obviously, you are not well suited to our products, as you must absolutely be smarter than our snowballs to have some amount of success with them.  The end result is that in deciding to do business with us, it is a foregone conclusion that you are delusional, and half crocked.

    As a side note:  My East Indian friend, who sit two desks down from me, assures me that his name is Chonn Smeeth.  He is really quite offended by your comment about his Janitorial experience.  He is quite proud of his ten cent a week raise, and extra responsibilities.

    I do hope that this brings our business to a close.   We ask that you never contact us again, as it will be a gigantic waste of our valuable time. 

    Uka Ann Kismias
    Customer Service Manager







    9
    Reply by Dave on January 15, 2007 @ 02:44 AM

    Dear Gunnar,

    I was touched by your plight in your initial correspondence, and took the liberty of a little personal research into your complaint, which is (as you probably know) strictly forbidden by bureaucratic code.  In so doing I have literally put my career in jeopardy, but it paid off.  I read the despicable correspondence from Ms Kismias, and while shocked and appalled, I was not particularly surprised.  For my investigation has revealed the following:  Ms Kismias, the oxymoronic head of "customer service" (sic) is in fact the wife of the CEO, Hampton Chisel (a non-practicing partner in Chisel, Gouge, and Screw, attorneys at law).  Mr. Chisel's real occupation is running companies into the ground to collect multi-million dollar "golden parachutes when he leaves.  His name came up because he was the principal behind the stepladder company we are currently investigating/indicting.  He has a long and sordid history of chaos and ruin, but has never been successfully prosecuted.  By connecting him and his snowball company with your problem, my place in the annals of bureacracy is assured.  Which solves my problem. 

    As for yours, know that with motions, counter-motions, delays, continuances, the discovery process for your simple complaint could take years.  Furthermore, sentencing (I can assure you, we will get him) will likely be postponed until the putting greens can be finished at the new federal detention facility.

    While this may seem like foot-dragging, I remind you we are a nation of law.  Good citizens like yourself need only give up their entire lives and sign over their assets to attorneys to see justice done.  Truly an inspiring system.  As you know, the government listens to phone calls, but if you call me on my encrypted line, just for your information, I can furnish you with GPS co-ordinates for Mr. Chisel's estate and vacation homes, his factory and distribution centers, and Ms Kismias' Mercedes convertible.  My motto for this case will be : if you can't get one, B-1.

    Sincerely, JJ

     

     



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